Monday, April 19, 2004

Lust vs. Loyalty

Now that it has been spoken about and put to rest I can write about it. I know that the tow people involved will read this. I love them both and they should know that too. They also know that I am an exhibitionist and that publicly airing my panties sucias is good for me.

Letter to my best friend:

My attraction towards him feels dirty. I wish I could kill it but he's smart, sexy, shy, creative and now he's everywhere. Especially since you made him your lover.

We were all very drunk that night. We listened to music in the Village and made faces and comments to each other about how good he looked sitting all quiet across from us. He had to know. We were acting like foolish school girls. Maybe we set ourselves up for what was going to happen. He had to choose. I don't think any of us wanted a threesome. None of that was feeling that generous. We were all selfish.

You were needy. Your boyfriend of eight years had just left you to marry his younger cousin in another country after you helped nurse him to health after he had cancer. Maybe that's why I hid my mix of sadness, disappointment, and jealousy when you took too long in the bathroom and he also disappeared from our small table. When you came back you told me that you had kissed him. Or did he kiss you?

Maybe it would bother me less if you were the aggressor. That way I would know that he didn't choose you over me. That he was just waiting to see which one of us would make the first move and that one would win. Win, ha. Yes we were competing for him even though we wouldn't admit it to each other.

You kissed each other. You won.

When we stumbled outside into the late winter late night it became obvious that you were going home with him and I was going home alone. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I'm not used to not getting the man. I'm used to getting hurt by them later but not being said no to upfront.
But I said nothing.

You've known him from childhood. I know him through you. I felt you had more of a claim over him. Anyway it's not as if he ever showed any interest in me beyond our conversations about politics, music and literature.

You seemed happy. You were getting sex, companionship. You were going out. You needed all those things so I swallowed my own bitterness. I didn't like going out with you when I knew he would be there too. I didn't want to talk with him fearing my own impulsivity near men I am passionately attracted to. I didn't want to disrespect you.

But then it got complicated. It always gets complicated when you fuck your friends. Someone enjoys it too much. Another moves on. If the sex isn't stopped before it gets too heavy the friendship is threatened. So I offered and dispensed advice the way best friends do, with love and selflessness.

Now you say you will not sleep with him anymore. I am beginning to tell you how I find him attractive again, I'm not as nervous being around him but I will not go after him. It sucks but it feels like I would be disrespectful you by sleeping with him. You told me it would be fine. But it isn't. It won't be. Not for a while anyway.

When you say you're going to stop sleeping with a lover , it takes a bit to get it all out of your system.
You may go back a few times. You may never really stop. Usually one in the pair needs to find a replacement. I need for that to happen. I need a degree of separation. And again I don't even think he wants me like that. So all this worrying may be wasteful.

You apologized. I forgave you.
We can move on to our next conquests.
Let's just make sure he's not someone we both know.


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