Thursday, April 29, 2004

Settling In

We're not doing those marathon getting to know you sessions any more. We still have seen each other 6 out of the seven days in the week but the urgency is gone and a calm has settled. I think it happened after we slept together. He invited me into his space. I rummaged through his books (one of the first things he did also when he first entered into my space). He writes notes to himself in the back of books. I do the same thing looked at his pictures. I saw where he writes and where we first met(the computer). He has plants and colored post-it notes everywhere.

Then I felt a familiar shadow. She was in the ms books in his bookshelf. She was in the prescription drug insert by his bed. She was in the pages of his novel in progress. She has ms so he reads about it and studies it and walks for it and she has become the protagonist of his novel and this nearly killed me. Because suddenly a wave of insecurity washed over me and all the delight that had been afforded to me felt threatened. She could come back and take him away.

Overreaction? Absolutely. Call it Borderline Personality Disorder brain, something I hadn't felt in a really long time. I smoked a cig, cried, walked and got over it. I explained it to him and he didn't run away.

It's not as if he is perfect anyway. I am convinced that he has an eating disorder. How else would you describe someone who eats only 3 strawberries, half a banana, a glass of milk and a protein bar in one day. He works out everyday. His current skinny self is constantly in battle with his former fat self. Fat is a theme in his novel. I don't know if this is something I want to deal with but I do want to deal with him. I want to deal with him and I walking in the bookstore comparing what we have read and discussing writing. It's so pretentious but I love it. It's what I've dreamed of. I want to drink wine with him in little cafes till past midnight like we did last night and then make out in the car. I want us to sit together on my sofa with each other but not talking to each other, each of us reading or writing our own thing. I guess I'll just have to add books on male body image and eating disorders to my list (suggestions anyone?). I'm happy though.

Finally the ex has gotten the picture that I really don't want to see him anymore. I will admit to being ambivalent about the whole thing mostly because of the potential for sex. But now with M. ( I need a nickname for him) there is no need for him on that level. I told him I was seeing someone and he understood.

My colombiano made a brief appearance on one of my sites which was nice. I think that M and I could have a relationship of that depth but hopefully without the fucked up ending of me bleeding away a baby on his bed before he moves to the other side of the country.

And it looks as if another piece of mine will be published about my fat interestingly enough.

Tutoring the older students I work with is becoming difficult. One doesn't want to concentrate. It got to the point yestreday that I sent him home because he was acting up so much not to mention the fact that he got onto my computer and began im'ing his friends. The older girl I tutor seems to have trouble with reading comprehension. The little ones are easiest. Yesterday both separately decided to write poems on roses so I sat with them and a vase of roses my sister got for her birthday and we touched, smelled and even tasted the roses. It was beautiful learning.

The MapucheRican got a perfect score on her next math test on the 2/5/and 10 times tables so I think we overcame that hurdle. She's obsessed with all the little bugs that have begun to crawl on the concrete and fly in the sky. She wants to catch some today. Also she wants a hamster. I really don't want to have to clean hmaster shit and piss but she really really wants one. I had a few hamsters when I was a kid so I guess we're getting a hamster.

All is right with the world


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