Thursday, May 13, 2004

Birthday Sinverguenzuras

I have a lot of fucking nerve but how the hell was I supposed to react. Ok ok it’s my own fault that I decided to ask the misfit what he wanted. I should have asked him before we started sleeping together and that fact that I hadn’t, and the fact that I am falling hard for him, and the fact that it was birthday made me say why the hell not. Never ever ask a question unless you are really ready for the answer but I needed to get out of limbo. Are we dating just to date and fuck and hang out or are we dating to maybe build something?
He’s the type of person that I’d like to build something with like the Colombian surfer dude was before he ran off to California. The misfit is having a crisis. He thought all he wanted/needed to be happy was someone like me but now realizing the fat misfit never really existed except in his own head and that now he has some critical life decisions to make he won’t figure out where I belong in that picture. Why every does every creative sexy beautiful Latino man that I want have to be going through a crisis when I meet them? Why don’t they want me to be with them through their crisis? He says to me that you can’t build something on a fucked up foundation and I want to tell him how fucked up my own foundation is and I want to kiss him and hold him and make it all go away so that he can just say yes to me. Just say si to life. Why do creative Latino men take so many risks when it comes to their work but not when it comes to their relationships?
And you know what not to be conceited but I’m a fucking great person to be with. I am sexy, I am brilliant, I am talented, and I am loyal. I am the best woman any man or woman could ask for and people realize it when it’s too late, when I’ve written them off. I don’t want him to let me write him off.

And that’s why I said yes. That’s why I decided to accept the Prince of Bushwick’s invitation to dinner. It’s evil passive aggressive bullshit but I was hoping (still hope) that if the misfit saw how other people want me that he should want me too and hold on tight, not let me slip away. I spent my last birthday with the Prince of Bushwick but the last time I still held illusions. I thought he would be with me and get rid of the shampoos that belonged to all the other women who passed regularly through his shower. Last night I had no illusions. I knew I would have a good time, get a little drunk, enjoy flirting and yes maybe have sex. I never erased that from the list of possibilities. I was going to use the good raw fuck that I was guaranteed from the Prince of Bushwick to distance myself emotionally from the misfit. It would be the point of no return for all of us.

But the misfit sort of saved himself. He knew I had pending dinner plans. He never asked who with but he had to suspect it was with another man because I didn’t say otherwise. He called me just as I was finishing painting my nails a hot pink. He asked if I wanted to get together after my dinner. I said yes without hesitation. I wanted to be with him anyway, someone that I still have illusions about, someone filled with the light of possibility.

To be continued……

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