Saturday, May 22, 2004

I had a dream with him last night

. It was the type of dream that makes your sleep uneasy, that wakes you every so often because it’s so uncomfortable. He was leaving and it felt very permanent, kind of like it is starting to feel in reality. In the dream he was going to either Peru or Argentina and he was avoiding me, avoiding having to say goodbye. I spent most of the dream searching for him, reaching for him, as I am now. By the time I reached him it was too late. I finally caught up with him in an airport. I found him standing in front of a magazine kiosk. He was wearing a suit. We stared at each other, neither one daring to get too close to the other. It was one of the saddest dreams I have had lately.

When I told the misfit about the dream he corrected my subconscious on two points.
#1: he would never leave without talking to me
#2: he would never wear a suit (this I know…he doesn’t even own one!)

But the dream reflected how I was feeling, like he is on the edge of ending the whole thing, something that has just begun without being fair to it. Fuck being just to me. Be just to the process; let it take its course. He has suddenly become afraid, detached, and distant and it hurts. I was literally crying today as we im’ed each other.

Ha imagine if we were “official”?! The sad thing is that the more vulnerable he is, the more attracted I am. The more a reflection of me he becomes. The more I know he can understand me.

Do not get attached Mala. Do not get attached. I have to repeat this to myself because I will forget.

Update:

We spoke about it and he’s confused. Seems to me that there are lots of confused men running around this lovely city of ours. He says men demand more from a relationship and that men need more to male them happy. Don’t know if I buy that but I was too drunk from organic bbq chicken to argue. Bottom line to all the men and women who are unsure about what to do with that other person in your life: It’s fear! Confront it or run away!!! Wishy washiness is not attractive and it makes me sad.

One thing that my dearest misfit is not unsure of is going camping with me. Now I just need to figure out where to go??!!!!

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