Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Where there was once comfort

Now nerves and fear have set in. It's been exactly a month since we first met in person, reached out from behind the safety of our computer screens. Today I will ride the bus to his house. Maybe stopping on the way to pick up condoms. He's suppossed to make me lunch. Everyday that we speak, see each other, another layer comes off and still so many layers to go. I am not afriad of the ghost of the ex anymore. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of not being interesting, sexy, talented enough. I am afraid of him growing bored. The initial delicious taste of newness , that top creamy layer, we're past it. Now comes the center, the limbo, the place I hate most. I feel nameless, placeless. I just am. And for all my years of studying Buddhism and meditating and therapy and trying to be happy just being, it's fucking scary. and that's why so many times I end up running back, running back to the safety of being the slut, of being the alcoholic, of being the crazy girl. Anything but nameless, placeless. Why is happiness so scary? I am enjoying this, him, my life, my writing. But none of it feels safe. Anything can happen. That should excite me but instead it has me trembling inside. Hmmm. I don't know if these are post-menstral thoughts, pre birthday anxieties.

I need to breath.

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