Monday, July 05, 2004

My Father is Selfish

This isn't news really but while I was at the ballet with the MapucheRican on Saturday, my younger sister was supposed to see my father. Neither one of us, the children from his first marriage, have seen him in 4 years. I haven't even spoken to him in that time. I basically wrote him off and out of my life when it became clear that the most important person in life was and always will be himself. But sister, brave, and maybe more hopeful called him. She had her selfish reasons too. She's going on vacation in August to la patria, Puerto Rico, and wanted to get my abuelita's number so she could stay a night there and visit her. It never occurred to my hermanita to ask me first ( I just spoke to my abuela a few nights ago.

My daddy, our daddy invited her over. He said our half siblings were big. I regret losing them most if all. I left my sister with specific instructions on what to tell my father if he asked about me.
"Don't tell him I'm a struggling writer. Tell him I'm publishing and that the NY Daily News even bought a piece that I wrote. And make sure you tell him that I took my daughter to the ballet today."
My father is the who taught me about ballet, and opera and classical music. It was one of the few gifts he gave me beyond life. He wanted so much for me be this happy bourgeois light skinned rican who passed easily between worlds. He wasn't happy that I became an activist. He wasn't happy when at 19 and single I became pregnant in South America. He just wasn't happy with me period.

When I returned from the ballet, an outdoor dinner, and tromping around parque central in orange strappy heels (so sex in the city no? Except I'm poor and not white!)I asked my sister how the meeting with our father had gone. My sister stayed silent for a moment before telling me that she didn't go. Turns out my father called her at the last minute to tell her not to visit his lovely home in the nice part of Queens because they (meaning his new improved family made with the woman he abandoned two small girls and first wife for) had just had all the closets in the house redone in preparation of some French foreign exchange students who were visiting and that the house was too messy and he was too busy to see my sister, too busy to see his daughter that he hasn't seen in four years. He told her that if she wanted to some another week that she should call because with the exchange students coming there would be lots of people in the house and it would just be too crowded to have her there too. Too crowded for a daughter he hasn't seen in four years. His lovely wife made sure however to tell my sister how her daughter, one year my senior was going to Columbia Univeristy for her masters. My father helped pay for my stepsister's college education. I have no doubt he's helping now. My sister and I never got such a benefit. Hell on the day of our first communion, which happened shortly after my father left, my mother had to borrow money to buy us new socks.

I'm not jealous of the life they all lead. They are all selfish Latinos with no real values except showing the world that they have made it. They love their tokenized little life. But the little girl in me and I am sure in my sister, is still mourning the loss of her father at age seven.

Fuck him.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

My first thougth reading this post? Fuck your closets, man!
Sounds like my father- ditched my mom for a new wife and a nice house in LI, leaving his kids in the projects and struggling. Put his new kids through college and gave them new cars (not a stretch, he's a car dealer).
I don't understand that mentality: just beause you no longer love the mother, doesn't mean you screw over the kids you had with her.

7/07/2004 06:45:00 AM  

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