Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Fear

Living in New York City right now apparently I'm supposed to be afraid of terrorist attacks based on information from years ago.

But all I'm afraid of is the veiled threat made by the last boy who dumped me. It wasn't really a threat and he was being sweet. I got an email late last night from him saying he had sent me a text message earlier because he was by my school and was going to see if I needed a ride home.

Hell yeah I could have used a ride home. A ride home gives me two extra dollars for coffee or towards a pack of cigarettes. Two dollars is a one way subway fare to go out with my daughter or on a hot date. Two dollars is round trip bus fare to Rockaway Beach. And it's not like the cute 23 year old in my class with whom I love flirting has the balls enough to offer me a ride home. Yesterday when he saw that it was getting cloudy he gave me an umbrella as he stepped into his car.

Timing is everything and the boy who dumped me texted me at about 10 pm, two hours after left campus . At that time I was home in my pj's. He also texted me at a time when I have cut my cell phone service off because I just can't afford the thirty dollars a month right now. So even if I was at school, the message would have been lost in the atmosphere.

What he doesn't know (but will after I post this) is that I've been looking for his car since I started the summer session. He's always driving around and I scan the boulevard daily for a car with a bumper hanging on for dear life. Of course I never really think about what I would do if I actually saw him. I never considered that he could have a ::gasp:: date in the car with him. It's been about two months since we've last seen each other. Would I still have the urge to kiss that mouth of his?

Now he knows what time I get out of class. He knows where I wait for the bus. And tonight I looked a little bit harder then ever for his car, wondering what he has hanging from his rearview mirror. My stomach was full of butterflies I never had when we dated , butterflies he's still looking for some girl to give him.

I didn't see him and part of me was disappointed. I want to hear that loud laugh and sit on my hands nervously. Part of me was relieved because I am scared of seeing him again. I say I'm ok with being single but something about seeing someone you used to date can change that, even if just momentarily.


1 Comments:

Blogger that_girl said...

Just spent an hour reading through your blog and I really like it! It gives me a hint about what to expect in NYC once I move there. I guess I shouldn´t count on finding a man there, huh? lol* Anyway, just wanted to say I enjoyed your writing!!

8/05/2004 10:26:00 AM  

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