Thursday, September 16, 2004


I have hesitated writing about this for a few reasons. Ex's and men I am currently dating read this blog and once I put finger to keyboard I forget that and just write. I don't know if the ex I am writing about reads this blog. Also my writing reveals my pathology, my fucked up patterns, and that is painful for me to put out there because then it forces me to look at the choices I make instead of just making them, over and over again.

An ex of mine is in town from California. He is one the most beautiful men I have ever dated and I mean that in every way possible. He is physically beautiful. I mean his face and his body. He is intellectually and culturally beautiful. He is politically beautiful. Of course there were warning signs that he would be an ex from day one. He is an actor/model. He is an activist. He is a Latino. We met online. In my life all these things are blindly bright flashing lights and deafening alarms but I chose to ignore them. He spoke like a philosopher and poet. He spoke to me in Spanish. Fate I think tried to give me one last warning before meeting him when he gave me the wrong address on the day we were to finally meet face to face. I traveled nearly the whole city by subway, getting off at nearly every station to call him. I didn't want him to think I stood him up. It never even occurred to me that he might have stood me up. He seemed too perfect a man to do that. I had blisters on my feet when we finally met that night. He had flowers that matched the dress I was wearing.

It was late and we decided to just go to his apartment. He played Silvio Rodriguez and served me pasta with no sauce because nearly everything in his fridge was expired by at least a year. I ended up performing poetry for him, on top of him, naked in his bed. We had incredible sex. The next morning he showed me pictures of his travels throughout the world and we ended our nearly 24 hour first date with take out Chinese in his car in front of a park.

High points of our relationship included loud, sweaty sex that was so good for me that his neighbors complained of him watching porno movies too loudly. I took him to see a production of Hamlet. We took my daughter to Flushing Meadow Park. He bought us ice cream and came home with us to watch a horrible Disney movie. He would cook for me. I met his friends. He would make up songs about me on his guitar. He introduced me to Buddhism.

Low points of our relationship included his emotional unavailability and his not being over his ex who was in South Africa.

He left to California to pursue his acting and I was broken hearted. We kept in sporadic contact over the years via telephone, email and instant messages. He fell in love in California with an actress but never stopped telling me how special I was (noticed the pattern yet).

He called me saying we should get together and just hearing his voice got me excited, sexually, intelectually, politically, spiritually. But he has been back in NY before and told me we should get together before and it has never happened. So I am not really expecting to see him. I have been in this place before as well.

Speaking of ex's, the darling misfit was invited by my best friend to come to a concert with us tomorrow. He declined and cited me as the specific reason. Ouch.

tomorrow I will be celebrating Chilean independence at la Oveja Negra with LucyBell.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd like to discard my anonymity.
My name is Kervin, I'm 22 yrs old, Dominican, and I live in Brooklyn.
I got the url to ur blog from a good friend of mine who recommended it to me after i read everything she had to offer. It took me 2 days, but i read everything u had to offer as well. I was amazed, inspired, moved, and so many other things. I don't know..i guess i just wanna tell u that u don't know me, but i've been reading ur work, and I truly enjoyed it.
Thank u...and take care.

9/18/2004 05:41:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home