Monday, September 06, 2004

Expectations

When I decided to listen to my impulse, as opposed to my brain on Friday night, I ended up leaning in to kiss the misfit on his beautiful mouth. I did it with no intentions, no expectations. He just looked yummy.

The next day I felt horrible. Not because I regretted the kiss ( I don't regret anything ever). But I realized it probably wasn't the best idea. And I thought about it
all day and all night. And I was reading French existentialist writings on loneliness and cried. I haven't cried in a really long time and I hated that me spinning my wheels around the idea of one stupid fucking kiss could get me like this. Then I wondered what he thought about the kiss. It didn't take long for me to find out.

Sunday morning in the misfit's usual fashion, via instant message, he brought it up. He said the kiss made him uncomfortable because he was sick, because he doesn't want to do that with anyone (hmm ok except maybe his ex and um the Peruvian chica he wants to fuck), and because he wants to be my friends (and I guess friends don't kiss friends on the mouth). He asked me not to do it again if I felt like it. I know he wasn't but I felt like he was yelling at me. And I felt stupid. I didn't apologize for kissing him. That would have been disingenuous. I did however apologize for making him uncomfortable and promised to be more mindful. He asked me

I'm ok about the whole thing now after crying and throwing a mini breakdown in my locked bedroom after my conversation with the misfit about it. I just wish that my impulses would listen to my mind. I mean shit here I was thinking I was getting better and I fuck it all up.

I'm starting again. I need to begin again.

Sigh

I need therapy





1 Comments:

Blogger Audree said...

che, le diceis a ese pivre q en vez de hinchar pelotas debe de crecerlas ... that kind of a conversation is best had in person [or at least over the phone!!!], even though i am sure it would have been mortifying for you. :-/

9/07/2004 03:06:00 AM  

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