Sunday, November 28, 2004

Baby Steps

I had a private student in the apartment when it started, the usual fighting between my sister and my mother. Quickly it was twisted into something about la MapucheRican and me, about how inutil I am , and my sister's jealousy towards my daughter. I shut the door to the room where they were fighting so I could teach in peace and so that la MapucheRican didn't have to hear the fighting. Too late however, because my 7 year old wrote me a note saying how unhappy she was here and how she wanted to run away.

Don't all 7 year olds say they want to run away? Not if they are happy , content 7 year olds they don't and it just killed me to see that my mother's and sister's behavior was beginning to effect my daughter. Hmm wasn't it at about age 7 that I began to feel myself change. My father had left, my mother tried to kill herself and I had to care for my sister. I need to leave here.

I don't want it to seem like I'm using el Cubano or Los Angeles as a means of escaping. I don't want a place or a person to be a savior to my daughter and me. Only we can save ourselves, but maybe just maybe it was divine intervention that put el Cubano and California in my path.

El Cubano love la MapucheRican and me. But sometimes I worry that his love and concern go too far, into the realm of controlling. I need to leave here yes, but I need to do it in the least disruptive way possible. El Cubano asked his father to take la MaoucheRican and I in before the big move, because well el Cubano is enraged with the shit la MapucheRican has to see and hear and endure. And I appreciate that but moving in with his father seems like an extra step that would complicate matters in terms of la MapucheRican's school and my ability to work and save money. I know that el Cubano is working and thinking in the best interest of us, really, but something about the ideas of moving in with his father and their family seems inappropriate. No se. And me saying that and writing it has and will piss el Cubano off.

The depression finally hit me on Saturday. Triggered by the fight between my sister and mother, exacerbated by watching a film about Sylvia Plath (really what was I thinking watching a movie about a poet/mother who offs herself). I still don't have tix to LA for the holiday break and am miserable thinking that I can't afford to get la MapucheRican and I out there. I worry about El Cubano's patience and ability to deal with me when I refuse to accept help and when all I want to do is wither away. He said he wouldn't tolerate self- destructive behavior that also harmed him. He needs to be self protective as well. What if I cross that boundary.

This is the fear setting in but I've begun sending out resumes for jobs out there so I'm not completely paralyzed.


Blogger EL CUBANO said...

something about the ideas of moving in with his father and their family seems inappropriate. No se. And me saying that and writing it has and will piss el Cubano off.

Your quite wrong about how I feel. What I am annoyed about is that you have used the word inappropriate about the idea of moving in with my family yet, you have so far not explained why you see it as being inappropriate. Ok, the only reason I'm pushing you to stay with them is becasue you need to leave your your house As Soon As Possible and I dont know where else you can go. The only place that comes to mind is my family. I know your worried about disrupting la MapucheRican's and your lives. I acknowledge that concern and also think of potential consequences of the distruption to your lives.

On the other hand, MALA and la MapucheRican have to live and endure constant emotional and verbal abuse. NO CHILD OR PERSON FOR THAT MATTER SHOULD EVER HAVE TO ENDURE THAT FOR ANY GIVEN TIME!!!!! La MapucheRican already has a biological father that does not take an interest in her. Now she has an Aunt who is abusive towards her. FOrget La MapucheRican for a moment, how would you feel if you where in her shoes??? Realizing the things at the age of seven, how do you think it would affect ones thinking? How do you think growing upp underthose conditions will affect a child as a young adult and adult. How do you think he or she will handle relationships whether intimate or platonic?
What kind of company do you think someone raised under those conditions will seek as they get older?
The abusive behavior La MapucheRican is enduring now will eventually manifest itself into SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR unless of course something is done.

Yes I am being controlling because La MapucheRican should be out of that house by now.

11/28/2004 01:18:00 PM  

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