Monday, November 22, 2004

Los Angeles I'm Yours Vs. Autumn in New York

Yesterday I went for a walk in my hood and everything looked ugly. Maybe it's just because it's cloudy and not 70 some odd degrees. Maybe I just miss crawling into bed with el Cubano. Maybe it's that getting away from my family is something that I have been wanting to do for a long time and it feels like maybe for once if I set my mind to it I could, and that doesn't even have to mean me moving to the West Coast.

I'm sad but not depressed in an imobilizing kind of way. I'm weighing the options but then again I am a crazy risk taker. I jump into things sometimes without looking because it feels right. Sometimes I fall flat on my ass, sometimes it all falls into place. I have gotten more responses to my blogging this week than I have almost ever and yeah in Cali. I don't have anything right now except for el Cubano. ok I have another ex out there - whom I have not had contact with since the summer when he was here and who I have written off because of his flakiness. I have a girlfriend or two there. Can I get a job there? Hmm I sure as hell hope so. Of course my best girl is here in NYC. I can go to school there. All my family is here however and oh how I have relied on them, but isn't it about time that I try and do something truly on my own? no se? No se. None of this is happening overnight if it happens at all. It is all long term, looking ahead, planning. I am researching and thinking. Pero te digo one thing, I'm happy. Content. I feel safe and calm.

My sister and el Cubano are having a mini- battle because el Cubano defended himself and protected me from her abuse during a phone convo when I was in LA. So now my sister hangs up on him, lies to him about when I am home and when I am not.He is angry and adds fuel to the fire with his anger. Sigh. I need to get my cell phone back so I have more control over my communication methods.

I managed to get more $$$ out of a private client if mine which means more $$$ on a weekly basis and my big assignment for the month, the thesis I have been working on has more work that needs to be done so that will be a nice little lump sum. I'm going to try to get my tix for navidad en cali this week.

Ha. I forgot that el Cubano reads this blog every once in a while and that he used it as a way to keep in touch with what I was doing whenever our communication with each other was less than consistent.

No mixed messages. It is all very clear.


Blogger EL CUBANO said...,47493&_dad=ptl&_schema=PTL_EP

11/22/2004 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger Fea said...

welcome back mami...
yes ur bestest friend in the world is here.. but we havn't always been in the same state for the 14 years we have known each other.. we'll be best friends with u in cali or here.. and it gives me a place to crash when i go to LA..:O)
now all that concerns me is ur well-being. and yes el cubano is intense as hell.. and so are u. but he's right u do need someone that for a change will take care of u and mapucherican. she'll be fine and happy where ever u go because ur a great mother. u don't have to worry about her. worry about u and make the decision for u... not anyone else.

11/22/2004 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger MadMuse said...

I made that gamble 4 years ago. I was going back to my country after a year and a half job stint in Florida when my boyfriend (now hubby) proposed to me and asked me to move to the Northeast. Before then, we had a long distance relationship for a year. It wasn't easy at first. There was several months of major adjustments and blow-outs. I didn't think we would make it through. I had no family and friends here either. Yesterday, we had our fourth year anniversary. We're very happy together. I'm happy to say that my gamble paid off.

It's not a simple decision. I agonized over it. If you need to chat, just holler. :)

11/22/2004 03:15:00 PM  
Blogger EL CUBANO said...

u don't have to worry about her [MAPUCHERICAN]. worry about u and make the decision for u... not anyone else.

Why is it up for the little one's approval? That sounds like wayyyy too much responsibility to be giving her. No. She's 7, she doesn't get to decide where she lives or who her mom lives with. It's not even good for her to think she has that power.

I must admit to finding it difficult to reading the above statements without becoming cross. Let me just say this, in my earlier reply I made the statement, "just being with Mapucherican tells me what a fantastic mother MALA is"
Well, part of that judgment I made comes from the fact that Mala does listen to her daughter. Mala respects and admires what her daughter has to say and how she feels. Let me also say this, I LISTEN TO WHAT MAPUCHERICAN HAS TO SAY AND HOW SHE FEELS! MAPUCHERICAN is one of the most open and honest people I know and Im comparing her with adults too. SHe doesnt hide what she is thinking or how she feels like most of us have been conditioned to do.

Telling MALA to not worry about MAPUCHERICAN is asking a mother not to worry about their child. Sure we have all told our mothers that, but do you really think they ever stop?

If Mala didnt care how Mapucherican felt about coming to LA, beleive me, I would have a problem with that.
DOnt worry about MALA folks, because Im goin to be asking Mapucherican, face to face that is, how she feels about moving here. If she says no she doesnt want to move, well, HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

11/22/2004 09:36:00 PM  

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