Thursday, December 16, 2004

Oh Where oh Where can my Cubanito be?

I haven't slept in two days. According to people at my daughter's school and parents of my students, it is beginning to show. It has been two days since I have heard from el Cubano. See the connection? How am I supposed to sleep when I don't know where he is sleeping? I admit that is a mixture of concern for the other and selfishness that is making me this sick. I feel powerless and placeless. I am unable to offer comfort, advice, or even just be present. His cell phone rings and rings before going to voicemail or just goes straight to voicemail. Is he avoiding me personally? Is this a continuation of a manic episode or the beginning of depression like when he has shut me out before? Is it none of the above? My worry has be imagining the worse self-destruction. He is a strong strong man, always able to pull himself up again. So a part of me yes just needs to trust that and a part of me does. But then I am scared too. My selfish/insecure self imagines him deciding that it os over between us or him off with another woman. Of course I recognize the irrationality of this, especially since I have no proof of this. But the reality is that I have no proof of anything. I have no way of knowing without communication. And the difference now is that I have chosen to be with him. Chosen to be his partner. But how can one who is being shut out be a partner? It defies the definition no? So I am struggling and desperate yet holding it together. Saving money for my eventual move. Working (right now I am writing a little something on the notion of authority that I have to deliver and get paid for within the hour). I am being a supermom, volunteering at the MapucheRican's school. I am teaching in the afternoons and sometimes mornings. I am sending out resumes to Los Angeles. I am working on my creative writing like right now a latina superhero sex diosa story. I am exhausted though. I am on the verge of collapsing or breaking down. I am busy for the sake of being busy and not thinking about what could be happening with him. Carajo. I will call his father tonight if I don't hear something. I was going to last night but it got too late. Ay no se que hacer.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

calling the family can't hurt but try to not let yourself be all consumed by this...yet. Of course its easier said than done but you have to try just for your own sanity and well-being...I hope everything works out well!

12/16/2004 12:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mala,
Once his manic stage is over, I think things will get better. I'm in the habit of imagining the worst too w. my little filmaker man but try to distract your mind from imaging the what ifs?. Easier said than done. I know firsthand.
Heidi

12/16/2004 12:53:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God Bless You and yours this upcomming year.

12/22/2004 04:12:00 PM  

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