Friday, December 31, 2004

Happy Sparkly New Year

I have my yellow sparkly thong on for good luck, have new sparkly earrings and a new sparkly shirt. La MapucheRican has a sparkly outfit so we are all set. El Cubano is sitting on a plane on his way to me, well ok not just to me but to New York. la MapucheRican and I will be all sparkly at the airport to greet him. He sounded in good spirits when I spoke to him last night and this morning.

I don't know if I will be blogging over the weekend for reasons that should be obvious if they aren't let me spell them out for you, I haven't had sex in about two months and my man is here. Ok ok realistically speaking between la mapucherican and our families we'll be lucky to get it on once this weekend but a girl can dream.

I wish everyone and happy, safe, wonderful New Year!!!!

Resolutions

I don't even remember what my resolutions were for 2004. The only one I remember making was that I didn't want to be alone for New Year's 2005, so far I'm on track. So obviously I forget my resolutions, but here they ar in blog form to haunt me throughout the year.

1. Get the F out of dodge, ok well just out of where I live now. la MapucheRican and I need to be living in our own space in 2005.

2. Save save save, save for the move. Save for the future (el Cubano was questioning why I haven't started planning for my retirement , " do you think you won't live that long?' he asked") Save for the MapucheRican to go to school, save for a gasp house in the future.

3. Exercise, like everyday. I did ok for part of this year, waking up and doing pilates or yoga but I've slacked off.

4. Write write write. Schedule time to write then do it.

5. Perform, perform, perform. I did good at this towards the end of the year and it was great for my esteem as an artist and it forced me to constantly be writing new things and puching my own creative limits. I already know when the first tertulia is so I need to be there and perform once a week somewhere.

6. Therapy. A lovely blog reader suggested this place to call and I'm gonna call on Monday and also check with my insurance. I need it. I've needed it for a long time. I'm trying to avoid the med route and so far this year I haven't had too many really bad breakdowns. So if I can get into a therapy routine it would be great.

Notice I am not gonna stop smoking or drinking. I'm an artist I need some bad habits. I've given up sleeping around in favor of long distance monogamy. What more do you want from a girl?

Love myself, love others. That's the ultimate resolution.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Mas Momentos Malos

Biggest Loss of 2004

My political mentor, Richie Perez, passing. Did you all know he gave me the name "Mala"? Former Young Lord, founding member of the National Congress for Puerto Rican Rights, his loss is a loss for the entire people of color community and poor overall, in whose name he struggled.

And Now from the Real World

El Cubano and I were talking about this tragic disaster earlier today and my chica Sukaynuh posted this up at her live journal. Please help if you can.

A group of bloggers set up a website that provides information on
how you can help aid victims of the tsunami in South and Southeast
Asia:

http://tsunamihelp.blogspot.com/



How you can help
1. Please pass this URL around.
2. You can use it to post any info you have on:
where to send money,
what kind of help is needed,
aid organisations,
helplines,
infolines,
email addresses,
phone numbers
news updates


If you're a blogger, please get in touch with any of the contributors
to help with this small effort

Lo Mejor y Peor de la Mala

Everyone else is doing it and yes I'm the type who would jump off a bridge behind my friends so here are my best and worst personal moments of 2004. Feel free to agree, disagree, and add your own.

Best New Hang Out Spot in 2004

This one is a three way tie. The Misfit, gets mad props for introducing me to
La Oveja Negra , where I danced my ass off, got to listen to some great bands, and even got my favorite jacket stolen.

D'Antigua, where la Fea took me for some mean mojitos one night. There I met some great peeps (and some not so great), listened to great music, and performed some great poetry for a few months. I just wish that they had a dance floor.

La Kueva reopened as la Kueva 2.0. Ok the red wine is too cold sometimes and that makes it taste strange,and the live bands have sometimes been questionable but la Fea and I have danced our culos off here and still keep going back for more. They even have food now!! Hell la fea even snagged her latest and so far so good man here.

Queens became cool to hang out in again!!!


Best new discovery of 2004

Hair dye!!! My hair was pink, red, and variations in between. I am in love with
manic panic and as long as I can I will be changing my roots.


Best New Person in my life of 2004
Samurai Boy aka the filmmaker. He started out by coming out of MySpace and into D'Antigua to see me speak the speech. He makes me laugh, was great to make out with, and turned out to be a wonderful friend.

Best Returning Performance of 2004- Male
El Cubano of course. A love affair about 4 years in the making. Made me the happiest I've been (and most annoyed sometimes).

Close runner ups who deserve honorable mention are the boy who took my virginity and whose virginity I took, stupid married boy, and the Colombian hotness from Los Angeles.

Worse Hook-Up of 2004
El Boliviano. The sex wasn't bad and he has great energy but this was a disaster waiting to happen, from his strange behavior which bordered on scary, to his fucked-up-ness involving la Fea. I don't usually regret men but I regret getting intimately involved with this one.

Best Sex of 2004
Los Angeles palm trees outside and el Cubano and I in a steamy shower inside. Just ask his old roommate who heard the whole thing.

Worse Sex of 2004
I wish I could say but I don't want to be too mean. I'll write this one in my friends only blog and will reveal it to select readers by request only.

Best/worse fight of 2004
Probably the drunken words between la fea and I over her stupid midget ex-man. She ran away from me on the subway, sat in the middle of la Roosevelt, and had me walk out of her house during a party. Close runner up was when I walked of D'Antigua.

Craziest blog fan that wasn't
That chica who met up with the Misfit through my blog and then sent me a few mean and stupid emails when I called her out. She's been spotted at la Kueva by la fea. I'm sure she's nice under normal circumstances but this was just strange.

Favorite Musical Find of 2004
Pedro Suarez Vertiz. He didn't move around on stage much when I saw him at la Oveja in May, but this Peruano introduced to me by el Misfit provided and still provides hours of laughter and fun with songs like Tren Sexual and Globos del Cielo.

Best Compliment of 2004
"You have perfect breasts" Said to me by el Misfit.

As I search through and archive entries I will surely add more.

It has been quite a year.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Yes Mala, there is a Santa Claus

Porque mi Cubanito will be here for New Year's! I am beyond thrilled, excited, relieved, happy, joyful, teary, and a million and a half other emotions. Ay just wait till I tell la MapucheRican in the morning. She too will be beside herself I am sure.
I will call his father in the morning to let him know. This will be the first New Year's that we are officially together. Makes me all giggly. Plus the sense of calm I will have just at seeing him during what has proven to be a most difficult time. Of course I will never completely be able to comprehend all that he is struggling with but being close to him makes it all easier, even if only temporarily.

Hmmm I guess this means I better shave my legs no?

Monday, December 27, 2004

In His Father's House

I went to his father's house last night. I was surrounded by pictures of him at various stages of his life ranging from young childhood, to awkward puberty and into the man he has become today. I was introduced awkwardly as a woman who happened to go to school with his cousin in elementary school, when the real reason I was there last night was because I am now his "friend". Most people understood, in fact I knew most of the people there from dinners or from that New Years a few years back (was it 2 or 3?) when I first stepped foot in that house as just slightly more than a friend. Only one person actually sat down next to me as I drank a glass of white wine and asked me to clarify my "friendship" with el Cubano. It was awkward to be there without him but my clear position was somewhat of a comfort. I was asked about la MapucheRican, who stayed home sick. I was asked about him and my recent trip out there. His father and stepmother were absolutely lovely to me as always. Because of them I was able to dance a little on this Christmas and eat some pernil.

I spoke to el Cubano for awhile this morning and he wanted to hear every detail of last night since he couldn't be with his family for the holiday. I tried to convince him, again, to come to NYC for New Year but he's still saying no. I was thrilled to speak to him though and despite all that is happening in his life and my own, I feel blessed to have him in my life. I really do love him.

Hey Cubanito---Next Christmas in our house or apartment?

Sunday, December 26, 2004

A Not so Merry Crica

I think I spoke to nearly every ex of mine that mattered between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Finally I got in contact with the man that does matter in my life now , El Cubano, y mi amor is still struggling with a mess of things in the land of the beautiful people. I was trying to convince him to come to NYC for New Year's por lo menos but he wants to fix his stuff up over there. ::sigh:: I undrstand. Stay the course as a certain President I am none too fond of says.

la MapucheRican and a way too early phone call, woke me up on Christmas morning. la nena mia was thrilled with her gifts including computer games, clothes and toys. In fact she pulled me over and said , " I'm surprised Santa came since I've been talking back to you alot more lately.". hee hee. My mother and I exchanged gifts and later with my sister (yes in the end I bought her something, see how nice I can be).

As the least sick person in the house I went to the hospital to visit my titi who has an infection complicated by diabetes. I hung at the hospital for awhile before heading home dancing in the street to music and getting Thai food for everyone at home.

Today I am off to el Cubano's father's casita. He called me last night and invited la MapucheRican and I over. He has always been incredibly sweet to my daughter and me so I will go and share in the Christmas cheer. It promises to be quite strange without el Cubano there . I have never been there without him, save an hour before I went to the airport to go to LA. For his family that may not remember me or those that may not of met me, how do I introduce myself? Just by name? Do I say, Hi I'm el Cubano's girlfriend? Saying I'm his "friend" implies a more than friend status to begin with.
Right? I could do like he did at the manicure place and tell everyone I'm el Cubano's lover. ha ha.
Oh well. It should be fun .
What am I going to wear?

Oh what did I get for Christmas, well I gave myself too orgasms of Christmas Eve (it's been over a month since I've been naked with a man it's the least I could have done for myself), clothes, and gift cards.

Thankfully Latinos celebrate Christmas through the 6 of January so la fiesta continues!!!

Friday, December 24, 2004

Noche Mala

It is Christmas Eve. I'm sick as can be. One of my titis is in the hospital. The apartment is a mess. I have to buy milk for Santa and make cookies or him with la MapucheRican, my man is thousands of miles away, the hot water isn't working the way it should.

Yeah Noche Buena my ass.

I'd like to make some coquito. Find a wreath for the door. Make some merry crica phone calls. But then again I'd like to fly my hottie man to NY to kiss him y mas too.

I shouldn't complain. This will most likely be my last navidad en NY with the damned cold and the crowds of gawking tourists on Fifth Ave (by the way I so do not like the new star. I liked the old school one I grew up with). I've accomplished some thing this week like going to the post office and sending something I should have months ago. I did pretty well with my Christmas shopping on my near poverty level budget.

I think I'm just feeling a little lonely. I miss my Cubanito and wish we could be together. I wish that there weren't 50 people going to my grandmother's small ass apartment (and with my pobre titi in the hospital there probably won't be).

La MapucheRican still believes in Santa though and the magic that is the holiday with the lights and songs and cookies and presents. So that means I have to believe in that same magic too, verdad.

So pass the coquito and please don't sing Feliz Navidad, cuz there are better songs we Latinos like to listen to at this time.



Thursday, December 23, 2004

Es la Pura Verdad

In my inbox today, my horoscope

Mala,
You might not be able to make complete sense out of what is happening. Your logical mind is hard at work attempting to take all the diverse facts of the situation and put them together into a simple pattern. But they won't fit. Although it may feel somewhat uncomfortable, just let it be. For now, you need to live with the uncertainty of complexity. Things will simplify on their own accord when the time is right.



Yes I must live with the uncertainty and for me that has always been a hard thing to do. I like black and white. I like clarity. Love me or hate me. Be with me or don't.
Limbo is often a painful place for me to be. But yes in the end it will all work out. I was talking to el Cubano for a while yesterday and I must let it all be and watch it all fall into place.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Sick

With students coughing all around me and the nasty bitter cold, which I am hating more and more, I am getting a cold. I am loading up on the Vit. C and other such goodies so that I will be in ok health come Christmas Day.

In the meantime here's some holiday cheer

Friday, December 17, 2004

Inspiration

Ok all you bright and brilliant gente out there. I need help. Please offer up your best, favorite or at least interesting female comic book characters, especially women of color and non-english comics. My knowledge is limited...tell me where to look for inspiration.

Reminders and Requests

Today , after a long conversatin with el Cubano, I thought about censoring myself. This thought crossed mt head for two reasons. One: My last two posts pissed el Cubano off as did some comments people made. My policy usually is , " love me , deal with my blog" but as a complete person, forming half of a couple, I do need to take his feelings into account. So I may self censor to protect him. I haven't decided and to waht extent.
Two: To my lovely commenters. I will not censor you. I dont have to like agree with what you say and many of you I know in real life. Pero I will ask of you one thing, If you do know me in real life, then please refrain from using my real name. I know most of you know who I am pero that doesn't mean everyone has to.

pssst.....come closer.

I am not running away from this. Now since when has la Mala run away from things? And anyway if I chose the nice, easy way, would you even be reading this right now??? Hmmm?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

And in an instant

As I wrote my previous entry, el Cubano popped up online. The good news is that he is not sleeping in his car but rather on someone's living room futon. The news that bothers me is that that futon belongs to a woman he has dated. Sigh. I can't worry so much. I can't not sleep or cry all morning like I pretty much did today. I have to let him do what he is going to do and I will do what I have to do to take care of myself. Easier said than done, indeed, but I can try. He said he would call me later. The past two days have had me not sleeping staring at the phone. He will call when he calls. I will try and take better care of myself. Obviously he is trying to take care of himself. I cannot give what he will not take. I cannot take what will not be given.

Oh Where oh Where can my Cubanito be?

I haven't slept in two days. According to people at my daughter's school and parents of my students, it is beginning to show. It has been two days since I have heard from el Cubano. See the connection? How am I supposed to sleep when I don't know where he is sleeping? I admit that is a mixture of concern for the other and selfishness that is making me this sick. I feel powerless and placeless. I am unable to offer comfort, advice, or even just be present. His cell phone rings and rings before going to voicemail or just goes straight to voicemail. Is he avoiding me personally? Is this a continuation of a manic episode or the beginning of depression like when he has shut me out before? Is it none of the above? My worry has be imagining the worse self-destruction. He is a strong strong man, always able to pull himself up again. So a part of me yes just needs to trust that and a part of me does. But then I am scared too. My selfish/insecure self imagines him deciding that it os over between us or him off with another woman. Of course I recognize the irrationality of this, especially since I have no proof of this. But the reality is that I have no proof of anything. I have no way of knowing without communication. And the difference now is that I have chosen to be with him. Chosen to be his partner. But how can one who is being shut out be a partner? It defies the definition no? So I am struggling and desperate yet holding it together. Saving money for my eventual move. Working (right now I am writing a little something on the notion of authority that I have to deliver and get paid for within the hour). I am being a supermom, volunteering at the MapucheRican's school. I am teaching in the afternoons and sometimes mornings. I am sending out resumes to Los Angeles. I am working on my creative writing like right now a latina superhero sex diosa story. I am exhausted though. I am on the verge of collapsing or breaking down. I am busy for the sake of being busy and not thinking about what could be happening with him. Carajo. I will call his father tonight if I don't hear something. I was going to last night but it got too late. Ay no se que hacer.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Sacrifices or " No you can't have that! I may need it!"

Sometimes my sense of charity gets the better of me. I overcommit. I am too nice to clients and some take advantage of me. I give too much so people ask for inappropriate things. Some of those things are tangible things that I can feel their absence in my life. Other things are concepts or states of being . Their absence I feel on a deeper level. I have sacrificed much for the sake of others and well now I'm saying no because well I need things for me.

A few weeks ago , a parent of a student of mine, requested a private meeting. I thought that she was dissatisfied with my work (because she is a difficult woman- always trying to tell me what my curriculum should be). Turns out she had a favor to ask me. She figured that since I was a young single mother (read as unmarriable) that I wouldn't mind giving her an egg of mine since she has had trouble having a second child with her legal husband. Of course she would pay me.

A few years back I was so fertile that all a man had to do was have me in his peripheral vision and I would be pregnant. Various forms of birth control have failed me on more than one occasion. Years ago I would have had an egg giveaway because damnit it felt like I had too many eggs in my basket. But now. Well I'm not feeling quite like I can spare so much of my anatomy/biology. I may need my eggs. At least one more time.

Today someone actually asked me to postpone my move to Los Angeles till 2006. Not out of any concern for me, but because in 2006 was when he would have some sort of personal legal issues worked out and he wanted me to be here to help him. I told him that I was moving as soon as I could and that would most likely be next year so if he needed my help now was the time to cash in as long as it wasn't gonna cost me anything and yes I want to be compensated financially. I can't afford to be giving away free services to anyone. Not with a cross country move and a new life pretty much. I will begin charging overtime when private students are picked up an hour late . And hell I may start putting in cancellation fees.

It's my turn to be a little selfish to get what I want.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I Look Tired

So one kindly Parent Association President told me this morning at drop off. Of course I look tired. I haven't really slept in three nights. Probably because I'm depressed about a million and one things. I think my eyelashes are falling off or maybe I never really had nice eyelashes, I never paid attention till this morning when I couldn't find my glasses because I had them when I finally went to lie in bed somewhere around 3 am. If I ever get to cleaning that nasty ass bedroom of mine hopefully I'll find them.

I could take advantage and nap today but I have to print out a project I have been working on for pickup, hopefully get paid for it and then put the Parent Association newsletter to bed.

Anyone have a grand they can lend me?

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Tsk Tsk So Judgemental

So maybe I take it all personally because it's about the man I love and want to be with. Or maybe it's because as a woman dealing with my own mental health issues I'm more sensitive to it, but I have heard from more people in the last few days how insane my decision to move to Cali. is. People like to pick apart what they have learned about my relationship with el Cubano rather than see the whole picture. For example:

Once a cheater/liar always a liar/cheater: Hmmmm ok. Maybe. Maybe not. Ay why I can't I believe that I am special enough to him that it won't happen. Carajo if I didn't trust people based on their track records, I wouldn't even talk to myself ok?

He's unstable: No more than me. Maybe we balance each other out?

You aren't thinking of your daughter: Oh but I am . More than most realize.

The other night my sister accused him of beating me because when I returned from LA I had bruises and even a bite mark on my arm. All I could do was give a little smirk and assure her that the marks were not acquired in any beating ::wink wink::

The only exception has been la Fea. Now we may not always make the best decisions for ourselves in terms of relationships but damn do we give each other good advice. This is because we have a full disclosure clause in our friendship. We tell each other everything....yes everything. She remembers when I met el Cubano and I thought he was kind of goofy but hot. She remembers my frustrations when we first dated and my epiphany when I found out I was la otra. She remembers me crying over him, when he stopped talking to me and when he moved away. She recognized how happy he made me.
Happier than anyone has made me. So gracias fea for watching the drama unfold and giving me an unbiased viewing audience.

It will not be easy. Hell nothing is...but el me hace bien....ay pero muy bien.

I stand by my decision to be with el Cubano so there :P

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Calls from a Holiday Party

When I returned from visiting Santaland on Friday night I apprentley missed some phone calls. A few were from some men inviting me to hang at la Kueva. Didn't bother to return those calls. I wasn't going to la Kueva and even if I was it would be with la Fea. One message , however, had me laughing so hard. It was a phone call I had to return. It was from el Don himself, the famous monarch of a certain enclave of Brooklyn. Now I had essentially cut him off a few months ago when he "jokingly" called me a doormat and when my internet life was crossing too close for my comfort with my real personal life. I was cutting off ex's left, right, and sideways. Now for those of you who don't remember el principe he's the hot hot lawyer who gave me great sex but also great stress and heartache with getting his heroin addicted girlfriend pregnant and screwing around with me on way too many levels. Remember the HipMama essay? Yeah that's him.

I jotted down the number he left on my machine (well because I didn't have his cell number on me anymore) and I returned his call. He was at a holiday party for a company he does mortgages for. He sounded alright . I asked if he was drunk yet, remembering how he favored bourbon. He said he was cutting down on the drinking and the recreational non-cigarette (ahem) smoking since his friends began to worry that he had developed another drug problem. Nice. I didn't inquire what his new habit was. It could be coke. I know he had done that on occasion. It could be heroin since that seems to be oh so stylish again among the hipster Williamsburg circles he likes to hang in. He said he wanted to hear my voice and said it was nice to hear it. I told him likewise and we ended the conversation.

It makes me sad to see brilliant men be self-destructive but we all choose our paths in life. I didn't tell him about my relationship with el Cubano ( I met the Prince 'O East Williamsburg- as they now call Bushwick- right about the time when el Cubano moved out west). I didn't tell him about my plans to leave NY. I did tell him that I was very very happy with my life. I don't know if he will call me again. I will not call him again. I refuse to be a doormat/source of comfort to those who do not respect me in return. I wish him well and hope that he figures his life out as we all must.

Saturday, December 04, 2004


Because Fotolog is being mean to me I am posting a pic here today.  Posted by Hello

Seeing Santa (Claus), Listening to Santa (Monica)

Thank you to all those who expressed their concern over my cryptic foul post yesterday. I was in a very bad place, a place I hadn't been in a while. After my last student I bundled myself and the MapucheRican up and off we went into Manhattan to begin the holiday season. Maybe it's wrong on some level to have my daughter believe that some big fat white man comes and leaves her presents but I have lots of great memories of my navidades of the past , including some traditions I'd like to pass to my hijita. Last night we went to see the windows at Lord&Taylor's and Macy's and we visited Santa in Macy's Santaland (no I did not sit on Santa's lap although he asked me to. I did ask him for two plane tix to Cali however). Seeing how excited the MapucheRican was changed my mood completely which was good.

Later I was happy to hear that El Cubano was in a better mood too. Both of us have had extremely stressful situations and we've been taking it out on each other. I have a bad habit of taking everything too personally. He has his own bad habits. But last night when we began talking about the we again and when before I went to bed, I was listening to some Latino musicians playing in Santa Monica I had no doubt where I wanted to be and with whom.

Friday, December 03, 2004

There is so much to Write About

But my head is so fucked up right now that I can't. I wouldn't know where to begin.