Tuesday, January 11, 2005

The Distance Between Us

El Cubano called me two nights ago and asked me if I noticed the distance between us. He wasn't talking about the obvious thousands of physical miles that separate us. He was talking about an emotional distance that I consciously put between us when he was here. I admit it. I created that gap but it wasn't out of love lost. In fact it was the opposite. At my best I can be affectionate, touchy-feely. At my worst, clingy, dependent and demanding. I knew that el Cubano was coming to me in a somewhat fragile state given his situation in LA. And yes I had selfish motivations in having him come to NYC because yes I wanted to see him, yes I wanted to kiss him, and yes I wanted to fuck him, but overwhelmingly I wanted to create a sort of safe space for him if he were to slip into a deeper depression. I wanted to prevent that deeper depression from happening maybe and the only way to do that was to pull back a little even if that meant that my desires, wants, needs weren't met.

The safe space wasn't created initially. In fact el Cubano was thrown into a ring where he felt he had to defend himself, against his father mostly, who brought his own issues to the table and was surprisingly insensitive towards el Cubano's feelings.

It took a few days for el Cubano to settle into himself and I felt more like a caretaker than a partner, not to say I didn't get some of my needs taken care of and not to say that we didn't have our moments, like New Year's Eve and days spent in my apartment talking. I was a caretaker but not like a parent. I let him sleep when he wanted to, leave when he felt he needed to destress.

On the day that el Cubano returned to Los Angeles, 3 days later than originally scheduled, we were more like a couple and I allowed myself to be closer to him and that's why we ended up having a small argument and I ended up crying. A part of me didn't want him to leave. I knew he had to though. And yes while there was a certain distance between us during his stay here in the end I felt closer to him.

Sometimes a little distance goes a long way.


Blogger Poetik_soul said...

I really enjoy your writing

1/11/2005 04:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was in a long distance relationship for two years. It typically took about a week for me to feel as close to my sweetheart in person as it did every day on the phone. It can take a while to adjust to someone sharing space with you, especially when you are trying to be that close. Once you are used to it, maybe it causes less panic.


1/12/2005 01:19:00 PM  

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