Saturday, January 08, 2005

Knocked Down

I thought I was ok but then last night it all hit me. Maybe because I was over the exhaustion from el Cubano's stay but I suddenly was sad and irritable and snappy with la MapucheRican. She now is sick again, so that doesn't help. Then last night my sister observed something going on with my mother, an uncontrollable twitching in her hand. My mother tried to hide it from us by literally sitting on her hand as we were all talking. When my sister asked her about it, my mother broke down and cried. Turns out my mother has been like this for awhile but hasn't gotten it checked out. It could be something neurological or stress related, since there is so much fucking stress in this house. My mother is concerned about not being able to afford what she would have to pay to get it checked out since she has such shitty insurance but my sister and I told her not to worry about it that we would take care of it. So basically I am broke off my ass again and any plans towards my saving for my moving to Los Angeles are put on hold until I figure out what is wrong with my mom.

I ran out last night to buy medicine for la MapucheRican and cigarettes for myself and I broke down. All I could think as I sat in the stairway of my building was how I didn't want to be here in NY anymore. A part of me doesn't want to deal with whatever is happening with my mom, not because I don't love my mother but because I know that I am going to take the responsibility. No matter that my sister is making more money than me and has no one to support other than herself and her shopping habit. My money will pay for fixing the bathroom today and my mother's upcoming doctor's visit plus all the other shit I feed into this household.

I need to save money to go for therapy, and to move, and my own healthcare needs, and la MapucheRican and I have to watch my sister buy another coat, another pair of boots, etc etc. Yeah ok so I'm fucking bitter. I'm tired of always being the self sacrificing one and fucking no one sacrificing for me.

My mother told me the other day, "you should go back to school Mala" , yeah no shit but while my mother pays thousands of dollars for my sister to go to school and consistently fail I get shit.

Then this morning I see an email from la MapucheRican's father complaining about how the Chilean Forestry Service offered him a job but he didn't take it b/c he felt they weren't offering him enough. Have I mentioned that this man has given me 200 dollars in la MapucheRican's 7 and a half years of life? And those 200 dollars came from a job I got for him the last time he was here, years ago? Excuse me for not feeling so bad for him.

I was originally going to reappear at la Kueva tonight but now my drinking money is literally going into the toilet.

Ok ok enough pity party.

2 Comments:

Blogger MedicineWoman9 said...

I'm sorry about your mom and stuff Mala. I haven't read enough to really know the history with you and your sister. But can you get her to pay for half maybe? I mean, take her to task about it ( I say this realizing that means a potential argument, hence more stress, but...)if you are breaking down on the stairs and things, its time. I don't like reading about you crying, it makes me sad. I'm sending you love.

1/09/2005 08:27:00 AM  
Blogger Ms Cherry Galette said...

i'm sorry it's been rough. selfish sisters suck. i'm sending much love to you.

1/10/2005 09:25:00 AM  

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