Sunday, January 16, 2005

Mala Don't Play That

I was originally going to write about the upcoming inauguration and relate it to vows I made and others made, to leave the country if Bush were re-elected. I promise to write about that later or tomorrow. But I am compelled to explore and comment on an article in ColorLines titled Playing With Race about race play in the BDSM community.

Now I consider myself pretty damned sexually liberated. I've had partners that span geographic, race, class, language, gender and sexual orientations (interestingly enough when thinking about writing this I realized I've never been with a woman of color, but that's a whole different exploration). I've been fortunate enough to have done many things people would label "kinky" and now am happily settled into a sexual relationship that includes plenty of roughness and fantasizing with a man I deeply love (ok I could stand to have sex with this man more often but a few thousand miles between us limits this) . But even I have my boundaries. Those boundaries for me include monogamy because I've realized that I am just too damn jealous and insecure to be in a polyamorus relationship. I am not into watersports or anything involving ahem "bathroom" activities. Spanking and biting is fine but hitting me in the face is not. And my lovers are not allowed to call me a spic.

It's not that I'm shy around the word spic. I use it in my poetry and analyze it and break it down. I've written about being "A Lighter Shade of Spic" and wrote a poetic response to the use of the word spic in a parenting web community I used to be active in. Spic is what my mother called me in high school after I participated in a Shakespeare competition because she said when I performed I had an accent. A customer at the strip club I worked in called me a dirty spic as he slipped me a few dollars.
Can you see why spic isn't sexy?

Things can get rough in the bedroom with my partner and me but it is all consensual and I have never ever felt threatened in the least by him but I can't imagine consenting to playing Taina to him playing conquistador. I would not tolerate being called his Spic Slut. I have no problem playing the submissive but submissive to me doesn't mean replicating oppressions I deal with on a day to day. Y menos with a white man.

With many of the white men and non-latino men overall that I have been with, I have felt reduced to a sexual stereotype. What was my normal sex drive was made into hot-blooded "latin-ness". Any new move I brought into the bedroom was "spicy". They loved calling me "mami".

When I worked as a stripper, the stereotype of my identity was a commodity. Only one customer ever called me a spic but I was many times over someone's mami chula, someone's Latina fantasy, the other they would never dare bring home but had no problem getting a lap dance from.

I hate to be judgmental about people's personal sexual practices but when a Republican Latino I went on a few dates on (no sex) told me that his cock had no politics, I had to laugh outloud.
Sexuality and how one expresses it is very political no? and something about the whole race play thing doesn't sit right with me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very interesting article. To each his own, I guess, but I also agree with the quote
“I can’t do race play because I have people in my family who had to submit to that, where they had no choices.”
About the "spicy Latina" thing: I cringe each time I see that tight red dress wearing, long wavy hair flinging, ai-papi-sighing woman on tv or in movies. Same with the booty-poppin' Black woman. It's tiring being expected to act like the woman you see on tv.

1/17/2005 07:11:00 AM  
Blogger starchild said...

wow, I just finished reading the article and your post. I've thought about that a lot. The whole idea of sex not being political is such b.s.! I generaly think that race politics are always in play, especialy after I dated a white person. How can they not be?

1/17/2005 12:15:00 PM  
Blogger EL CUBANO said...

Spic is what my mother called me in high school. Would you feel differently about this word had your mother not called you this at any time?

A customer at the strip club I worked in called me a dirty spic as he slipped me a few dollars. Oh come on, if men were such gentlemen at strip clubs, they wouldnt have a need for bouncers.

Sexuality and how one expresses it is very political no?
I started having Republican views abnout four years ago. Prior to that, I was a bleeding heart liberal like most New Yorkers. I beleived in all the social progams. I was anti gun, anti death penalty and just plain old anti Republican. I used to think they were truly bad white people. No i dont think like that anymore and Ive grown more conservative as Ive gotten older. What I dont understand is, the correlation between politics and my sexuality. Mala when we are initmate, the Schwarzenegger Administration doesnt exaclty come to mind :)
How does politics enter into sexuality? I just dont get it; even with us, whose beliefs are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

1/17/2005 01:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Mala,
When I was reading your entry, all I can say is that it sounds like my life.
M. another minority, calling me a Spic and wondering why I got offended. As a minority himself, I was even more offended.
D., a white man, constantly telling me to lighten, straighten my hair, lose weight. I loved the day I told him to move back to his trailer :)
S., thug love, the least offensive of the bunch with his constant "Mami" and "I love your ass." I have to say, I don't mind either but did I ever say, "Baby, I love your exotic dragon?" No I didn't.

1/17/2005 03:11:00 PM  
Blogger EL CUBANO said...

"I hate to be judgmental..."
Really? I would have never have thought that you actually felt that way.

"...when a Republican Latino I went on a few dates on (no sex) told me that his cock had no politics, I had to laugh outloud."
I was wondering, how you would feel if someone laughed out loud about one of your thoughts?

1/17/2005 03:20:00 PM  
Blogger starchild said...

you know, women of color, especially mothers of color, have their ideas laughed out loud at every day in this country. I am more than sure Mala knows EXACTLY how it feels to have her ideas laughed out loud at, as do many of us.

1/19/2005 11:03:00 AM  

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