Saturday, April 09, 2005

El Monstro Tiene Hambre

Yes I know it is a waste of energy feeding that green-eyed monster of jealousy but lately it has been growling at me very hungrily from bookstore shelves to websites. Seeing books by people I know at the local chain bookstore, seeing books by people I know reviewed just confirms what a lazy fuck I can be. There is no reason for me not to be more published than I am. Ok ok I can definitely say that a good number of the people are white. There are definitely not enough women of color publishing things but there are enough for it to make me feel really really bad. I can justify it by saying " well none of them are single mothers." and wondering how many are really working poor like me or just playing poverty chic.

What I need is a coach, a writing mentor like I was blessed to have when I was learning about my Rican, Latina, activist self. I need someone to be up my ass and hand me books that will inspire me and ask me or tell me, "now write" or "where are you with that novel/poetry manuscript? I want to see something". I don't need other failed writers telling me I suck to my face or behind my back. Because I know I don't suck. I'm a pretty good writer. I'm a pretty good performer. But I feel like no one has my back in this creative endeavor I call my life.

There are about 8 million reading series and events I want to be a part of happening in this great city but I never can go because I have no one to watch the MapucheRican and I don't want to resent her because hell she didn't ask to be born to a crazy single mami (sometimes I do think she did but not today). But sometimes damnit yes the writer/performer in me resents the mami and the child.

Then there's the poverty. I've got debt. I've got food to buy and rent to pay and clothes for the kid. So I have to take shit jobs tutoring in between real writing gigs which are becoming more consistent but still not enough to fully support myself and my daughter.

Then I hear the voice of my own mother asking why I quit my "great" job in investment banking where I was making money and was being offered more. Wanting to be a writer, wanting to be a mami, and not wanting all the fucked up feeling of complicity that came in working with a huge multi-national firm will never be good enough reasons. She just thinks I'm lazy/crazy.

And then on days like today I think I am too.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your writing is on par with a that of a "white" 3rd year undergrad at most lame ivy league prisons. Please stick to blogging and criticism of us folks in the literary world, a world you'll never enter.

Good day.

6/01/2007 11:57:00 PM  

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