Thursday, June 16, 2005

The Lady Next Door

I haven't posted much lately. I blame it on PMS. Post Menstrual Syndrome. I get depressed and moodier than usual right after my period ends. Go figure. So I have been extremely lazy and suspicious of all, especially my long distance man. It didn't help that someone I knew , even if only online, killed herself. I didn't know her well. Read a few things she wrote but she was friends with many of my online mama friends. She was a young mami, like me and like many. At first I thought the fact that I didn't really know her protected me from feeling sad or hurt but later on Sunday past, it hit me. I cried and screamed and thought about all the times in the past that I did try to kill myself. I thought about how my disorder has me thinking about suicide almost daily and how daily I have to just watch those thoughts float by in my head. I think about my daughter and how far I've come in terms of being better able to manage my impulses be they be to fuck some random guy or take a handful of pain pills.

It was a struggle to get my ass to a picnic I promised la MapucheRican I would take her to on Sunday. But I did take her, after a solitary glass of wine and a good cry and scream and throwing of some things in the bathroom.

Yesterday, a 12 year old girl who lives in my building saw me throwing some garbage out. I see this girl almost daily when she picks up her younger brother from the same school la MapucheRican goes to. She commented to a 13 year old friend/boy who happens to live next door to me, " Oh you live next to a nice lady".

I was kind of offended at first. Cuz when a 12 year old calls you a lady it's because they think you're old. It's right up there with being called Senora and Ma'am. I guess I should be grateful that she didn't call me a crazy bitch.


Blogger Debra said...

Sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. I attending the funeral services of a friend who killed himself about a week and a half ago- he was a year younger then me, and I think everyone saw him as a shining star in this sea of slop. I guess no one knows why he did it except for him.

This year has been a bad year all around when it comes to deaths for a lot of us. I've lost an ex-boyfriend, two friends, and a grandfather.

6/17/2005 05:15:00 AM  
Anonymous Heidi said...

I am so sorry. If you need anything, let me know.

6/17/2005 06:29:00 PM  
Blogger fiercelyfab said...

I am so sorry to hear that you knew her. I got to read her stuff and the news affected me and I didn't know her at all. And, I'm with you there it made me think of the times that I've thought of suicide, though seldom it was often enough that it disturbed me.

I hear you too about the senora and nice lady...que nena no sabe alagar a mujeres jovenes como tu :-)

6/17/2005 09:11:00 PM  

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