Monday, August 29, 2005

Recurring Dreams/Nightmares

The last time I saw her was on the number 7 train. I was leaving a rally that I was working security for in our old 'hood, Corona. Was that two or three years ago? I can't even remember. I do remember she told me she had moved back home from Los Angeles. Home was where her mother lived with my father. She told me about a new boyfriend, not the screenwriter I had met before. I remember I told her little about my life. Partially because I had little to tell. Partially because it still felt like we were in competition with each other.

I don't think of her during my waking moments. Just like I really don't think about my father, his wife and their kids, my half-siblings. Sometimes I think that makes me a horrible person. Other times I think it is for the best, less stressful.

But when I sleep, they are always there. Especially her. I dream that we are on camping trips together, the kind we went on when we were children. Except in the dream, I always get lost or something horrible happens to me. For example, in last night's dream, I was trapped in the trailer, the pop-up one that my father and stepmother used to hitch to the back of the Honda hatchback first and to the Mazda minivan later. In the dream I was trapped in the trailer with my daughter and the trailer just rolled away.

I have dreams about us in Puerto Rico. These are the dreams I get lost in. I get lost in seemingly never ending hallways in gated concrete houses, like the house her grandparents had in Santurce. Sometimes in the Puerto Rico game I get lost in an arcade, like the Time Out in Plaza las Americas. Whenever I do find my way out, back to my family, she is always somewhere ahead of me, somewhere where I should already be doing something I should have been doing.

Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons I don't speak with my father and his "new" family is because of the fact that I always felt she was favored over me. After all she was the one who got to live with my father and live off his money, while my mother had to fight for every child support check.

That's called jealousy right? That does make me the bad one doesn't it?

Maybe I'm reading too much into my dreams. Maybe I just need to let them be, just like I let my relationship with her be...over.


Blogger Poetik_soul said...

No it does not, I loved this post, it was heart felt!

8/30/2005 10:30:00 AM  

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