Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Word Won't Come Out of Mouth

I have been trained not to say it. It's a powerful word. It can disarm, alienate, and protect. Ever since I was a small child I was taught that saying it was not an option I had. From a young age I was given huge burdens to bear, burdens I was never allowed to reject. If I did try to deny my role as savior, assistant and messenger to people, my mother, my father, my sister, I was punished. It's a bad habit now that traps me and leads me down a self destructive path. I cannot say no.

I am by nature a giving person, with my time and with the little resources that I do have. I am not greedy or stingy. This also means that I take care of myself last.

Right now I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions by people asking for my help. I have to take people to appointments that I really don't feel like doing and I sure as hell don't feel are my responsibility (no fea I don't mean you though. Something else). As it is I don't have money to be taking care of my own shit so never mind other people's shit.

I am asked to look up things, write letters, find information out for family members that should be perfectly capable but because of the way they were raised and allowed to constantly manipulate people, they act helpless and turn to me, always the enabler.

No one asks when they interrupt me if I am doing something important. My space and time are constantly invaded. I haven't had a moment to myself in I don't know how long. I have my own responsibilities to take care of, add on to that those of my daughter, my boyfriend and on and on.

I am not often asked if I need something and I am not one to ask for help because I was raised to be the one that never needed any help. But I need help. I can't do anything or anyone else right now

3 Comments:

Blogger Poetik_soul said...

WOW, you okay lady? Whats up? Hit my email if anything

8/30/2005 12:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

find a therapist hun.

8/30/2005 02:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

get some help--timh.org. that's some time/money worth spending on yourself. and if anything--get some meds. They work!! good luck

8/30/2005 08:44:00 PM  

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