Friday, October 14, 2005

Between Breaths and Words

No se donde ando. My head , my heart, and my spirit are struggling to find peace or at least as close to peace as one can get. Do I dare admit it? It's been 9 days since we last spoke. I started by leaving the usual sweet phone messages, waiting , as usual, for him to return the calls. I waited in vain. Then the messages became desperate and desperate ain't pretty but there I was crying into the phone telling him to call me just to let me know that he was ok. Those returned calls never arrived either. I am living in a world of avoidance. Avoiding calling his father to find out if they have spoken. Avoiding calling the police to report him missing.

Chances are he is not missing. Chances are he is not missing me. Maybe he's living in his manic head or his depressed head and cannot deal. Maybe this is his out. It is not the first time it's gone down like this and that makes it somewhat easier. Because it will cycle and recycle and he'll be on my doorstep again out of the nothing one day and again make me stop in the middle of whatever I am doing and rearrange,

or not.

It was hard to resist the desires to drink and fuck like a mad lovelorn mujer. Thank diosa for projects and children and poetry and words. Words between breaths between waiting waiting waiting for the other shoe to drop.


Blogger Elenamary said...

you are strong mujer. mereces lo mejor. el no sabe lo que pierde.

10/14/2005 02:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ditto that. i know you don't like me weighing in this issue, but if you don't know how fine you are (inside and out) your friends and fans will not be able to tell you.

show mapuche how it's done.

run, don't walk, towards tomorrow ... and every sunny day after that.

un besito (con respeto y carino)


10/14/2005 02:54:00 PM  
Blogger pobrefeofeliz said...

sounds like youre using his mental illness as an excuse for his behavior. that makes you an enabler. your excusing this allows him to continue to disrespect you by not giving a shit about how distraught you get when you dont hear from him. let him know (if you havent already) that he needs to seek support and help. then the ball's in his court and if he does nothing you need to move on. i follow a lot of the same dysfunctional patterns and behaviors my mom exhibited in relationships that i witnessed growing up. dc is right. be strong and demonstrate to your daughter what a healthy relationship should look like.

10/14/2005 03:13:00 PM  
Blogger fiercelyfab said...

You are one kick ass beautiful woman--is he sleeping or something? He must not know what company he's privileged to have by him.

10/14/2005 03:44:00 PM  

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