Thursday, October 20, 2005

The S Word

For most of us it's shit. My daughter thinks the S word is "stupid" because "stupid" is not a word I allow. Apparently the my S word, the one I won't dare utter is "single".

It's another S word. It's silly that I won't say that I am single. When a week passed without a word, returned phone call, letter, anything from my ex(even writing that was hard)-boyfriend, somewhere I accepted that the relationship was over. I acted like I was the S word, drinking and flirting between performing and ending up in a locked bathroom with another person (neither one of us was peeing). I liked it but I didn't claim it. la Fea even asked me, "Why haven't you posted any of your adventures on your blog?". She answered her own question and it was the right answer. I was worried that he, el Cubano, would read it.

On Wednesday night , which marked two weeks of an absent boyfriend, I met with a friend of mine for a glass of wine (or two). This filmmaker in gold sneakers is on my short list of men I would consider to be in a relationship with if.... Well now that if has happened and I don't even want to think about who is on what list.

I was very comfortable being partnered even if that partnering was not a daily reality with us being on opposite sides of the country. It gave me some sense of place and stability. I could make plans for he future complete with co-habitation and the possibility of not raising a child on my own. Oh the privileges!!

I have abandonment issues thanks to my father and with this latest disappearing act in a series of four years of disappearing acts and abracadabra, resurfacing you'd think I'd be used to it. But no. When I think about it , it still sucks and hurts and is sad.

Last Sunday as I rode the subway into the Lower East Side, wearing my favorite torn fishnets with my favorite knee socks (pink and black with skulls), as I got closer and closer to dancing, drinking, performing, flirting and kissing, I broke down crying. Maybe that was my letting go moment, my mourning prayer for a complicated relationship that died and was resurrected probably one too many times.

I am single.

6 Comments:

Blogger mortalez said...

I understand where your coming from , everyone says you should be happy within yourself , but that would only work if one had never been in a relationship.
We all know that no matter how happy we are alone , we are just a little(ok for me alot)
happier when we have someone to love .

10/21/2005 01:03:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

head hi, mama.
hope you are getting on with things.
would welcome an opportunity to distract you with some wine and live music.

(before the line starts forming from queens to caracas!)

dc

10/21/2005 01:28:00 AM  
Blogger Ms Cherry Galette said...

sending hugs your way, take good care of yourself. xoxo

10/21/2005 02:49:00 PM  
Blogger fiercelyfab said...

Sweet vibes and thoughts for you and ditto with Ms. Cherry take good care of yourself.

much love

10/21/2005 05:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Jen said...

His loss. Get out there and get back into the groove!

10/21/2005 06:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wooooaaaaauuuuu...
He pensado lo mismo muchas veces, pero creo que uno debe de aprender a ser autosuficientepara no tener esos problemitas.
Consejo: "liberate", "autogestion+ autonomia=anarquia. = Libertad"
Salud

10/22/2005 04:48:00 AM  

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